Principles of Feedback

How to Give Difficult Messages and Stay Liked and Respected

Providing advice to people is always tough, but if it’s done right, you not only get the message across, but you build a tighter and stronger relationship with the person.

You may think that feedback is limited to people in positions of power such as managers and parents but everyone often needs to give those difficult messages. This can involve telling your best friend that you do not like their swearing while still being best friends, it can be telling a family member to do their chores around the house without fights starting, or telling someone about an annoying habit that is really getting at you. These are just a few of the many examples where we need to give advice/feedback. The major problem is without the communication skills, if we give advice we’ll stuff it up!

Also, when you do provide advice, you won’t make the same mistakes as you have. As a rule in communication, you are taught not to give advice. I am completely for this rule because when the average person gives advice, they do not have the skills to successfully do so. They give advice with 100% intent on helping the person, but the receiving person sees the message as a form of control.

The person either thinks that you are trying to do things your way or that you think he’s not capable of running his own life. He loses a sense of ownership and control in his life leading to destructive behaviors such as frequent arguing, complaining, and passive aggressive communication (quite actions that are destructive as a way of releasing frustration).

Constructive feedback/advice is one of the only ways for the person to positively accept what you say.

You have to give constructive feedback. That means you have a responsibility to help them develop.

What is Constructive Feedback?

First, I’ll tell you what it’s not.
Constructive feedback is not criticism because it’s all negative and personal.
Constructive feedback is a not personal (e.g. you are lazy), but a targeted response to an individual’s action or behavior (e.g. you did not accomplish the task you agreed to complete) that is intended to help them learn, and is delivered from a place of respect. You see that by saying something about the task and not person-specific, you minimize them receiving it as a personal attack.
Constructive feedback does not shut the person out but rather invites the individual receiving the feedback to shed light, share their perspective, or provide their response (e.g. Do you see it differently?)
Constructive feedback does not blame (e.g. it is your fault the dishes were not done straight away). Again, it is a personal attack on the person and he will either argue with you intensifying the problem, or he will become defensive and try to shift the blame elsewhere.

Why Constructive Advice Works

Constructive advice/feedback enables us to give difficult messages honestly to those we care about.
However, instead of insulting, shutting-down others, or alienating those who receive the advice, and damaging their self esteem and confidence, it motivates them to ask for help and maintains their sense of control while feeling supported and respected. Constructive advice is delivered out of respect and a genuine desire to help the individual.

Principles of Feedback

1. Choose Correct Timing
Praise is most effective when given as soon as possible after the behavior has occurred. Immediate feedback will help to reinforce a correct behavior and make it more likely to happen again.
When an incorrect behavior is not corrected with feedback, the individual will begin to adopt the incorrect behavior more frequently. It is highly desirable to give corrective feedback before the situation occurs again. You want to help the person stop repetitive behaviors.
Do not provide advice directly after the event, but at a later time when the both of you are not experiencing strong emotions. This will keep “the heat” down and enable a clearer conversation to solve the problem.

2. Ask for Self Assessment
Begin by asking the person for self-assessment as it involves them in the feedback process. It is more effective to allow the person to voice opinions before providing your point of view. You are listening and understanding their experience and feelings. You're building on what they do by gathering information from them and then presenting yourself based on their input.
Letting them express themselves first also helps to promote an open atmosphere and dialog.
Self-assessment also helps the person become better at the problem and more independent through self-correction, which in the long-run is more beneficial when a similar problem arises then you nagging and nipping at their backside.
What if the person doesn't want to self-assess?
Most people will be very willing to blurt out their opinion. Their willingness to self-assess also greatly depends on the problem. If the problem is very emotional and hasn't been discussed, then its likely the person would be unwilling to self-assess.
You don't know if they're unwilling to provide their self-assessment until you actually ask for it. If they're unwilling, it's still part of the advice giving process because they then know you're at least trying to not control them through sergeant-like commands and orders. When asking them what they feel about the situation by self-assessing it presents the opportunity for two-way communication.

3. Focus on Specifics
When you focus on a specific correct or incorrect behavior, you remove the feedback from the sphere of personality differences and the other person will be more willing and able to change. By being specific the person does not feel he is being personally attacked and knows the advice is task orientated and not person orientated.

For example, when providing corrective feedback:

Do: “When you did not wash the dishes last night, I came home from work tired at 11pm and did them myself.”
Don’t: “I did the dishes last night because of you” - wrong because you emphasized the person is the problem and not the unwashed dishes. It is person orientated. Make it task/problem orientated as in the ‘do’ example.

When providing praise:

Do: “Thank you for doing the dishes last night. I was able to have a shower straight after work and go to bed.”
Don’t: “Thanks for doing the dishes” - this isn’t too bad but you can see it lacks a true feeling of thankfulness. By being specific, it enhances your appreciation.
An even less desirable compliment is simply saying “thanks for that”. What are you thankful? Be specific! You are encouraging good behavior.

4. Limit Feedback to a Few Important Points
Good communicators identify one or two critical areas and help the person address them one at a time. It is too hard to examine and try to change many aspects of behavior in one go.
Restrict your feedback to one or two important points so that you do not overwhelm the other person with too many things to consider.

5. Provide More Praise than Corrective Advice
Positive reinforcement is one of the strongest factors in bringing about change. Unfortunately a lot of people always focus on the negative.
When you give corrective feedback, remember to point out corrective behaviors first. This is as important as pointing out mistakes and areas that need improvement. Also, always end the conversation on a positive. This can be simple as saying “Thank you (name) for talking this over with me.” This is powerful and will leave the person with lingering thoughts of your advice and honest intention to help them.

As long as feedback is given in a non-judgmental and appropriate way, it is a valuable piece of information for learning and for our continued development as a person.

By Joshua Uebergang